Chronic urge to run.

Something is absolutely wrong with me.
Or rather something is finally right with me.
I guess I can devote this clouded phase of mine to a case of the blues.
God alone knows.

Coming back to the phase, I think I have a split personality disorder.
One part of me, is elated about new work opportunities and things like that. The other part is absolutely frustrated with the prospect of new assignments and loads of things to deal with.
Basically I am frustrated with the prospect of life.
I want to buy roller blades, get skinned knees in the process of learning how to roller-blade. I want to spend a year wallowing in abstraction. Doing random things.
In fact, I have a list for the same.
1. Train to be a bartender.
2. Learn how to do a headstand.
3. Go on a Satvik diet for a month.
4. Go bald.
5. Step out in an ice blue colored wig for the next twenty days.
6. Watch Aurora Borealis.
7. Go visit a nude beach.
8. Try and leech onto a person. (By leech, I mean cling to them, quite literally.)
9. Make a will.
10. Buy and try one of those pills that are supposed to make you loose weight.

I want to run away from my mundane existence. I want chaos. I want the dreary black and white in my life to be filled with the vivid colors of chaos and trouble.

"What did you learn from your time in the solitary

Cell of your mind there was noises distractions

From anything good and the old prison food

Color my life with the chaos of trouble 'cause anythings better

Than posh isolation I missed the bus you were laid on your back

With the boy from the Arab strap, with the boy from the Arab strap"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuNLJ1I1-vw

Why do I feel that urge to write?

Life as my 16 year old soul (how old :')) knows it isn't actually simple. It is more of funny!
I mean yeah it is funny.
And no I don't look at it from rose-tinted glasses.

Those special low-downs of life which actually make me say "FML." are those moments that motivate me to write. Specifically the ones which involve situations related to people. People who matter.

Like considering this post for instance, my best-friend (new-found) is a part of band (yeah the ones who actually play!). The band was part of  a certain competition & they were to perform today at a close-by mall.
I really had all plans of going, owing to the love I have for my best-friend and the love I have for drummers.
But then I realised that given how late the event would finish, it made more sense in not going.
Momentary, impulsive decisions can suck. Big time.
No they actually can sometimes.

So I decided that I won't go rather I will stay at home & finish of my pending work, well what did I do at home then?
Nothing apart from cribbing over why I should have genuinely gone, thinking about all those wonderful drummers I'm missing out on, thinking about how my best-friend would be "singing"!
Yeah I am pretty much masochistic.

And well to agonize me further, I come to know that they came third & landed up a gig at some place.
Now in an ordinary situation I should have been happy for them. But I was more on the lines of confused.
Why in the first place was I getting so upset?
Maybe because we all get that feeling at some point, don't we?
Of being left out.
I felt awful, all day long. Even the girl dating the person playing the keyboard for the band did not feel as bad on not getting to go!

I'm just sensitive to the wrong things maybe!

But reverting back to what I started from, yes so I just wrote about what happened & quite honestly I felt like a boulder was just pushed off my measly little body.
I feel great. Like I have talked to a room full of people about my situation & as if at the moment they are shooting sympathetic & caring glances. As if they are telling me their own stories about how they have felt the same way at some point of time.
As if their experiences about being left out have been worse.

Now I sound like a schizophrenic with a sadist temperament.
Shit!