How to save a life.

After Derek died, Grey’s Anatomy fans, all over the world, hit the roof. They went ballistic over how their beloved creator Shonda Rhimes, so brutally uprooted McDreamy from Meredith’s life leaving fans with little or almost no time to process any of it.
I was one of those people. I cursed the creators over killing off, one of my favorite male protagonists, in a show. But what I had forgotten in the course of the last 11 seasons, was that the only protagonist the show ever had, was Meredith. So Derek or no Derek, Meredith will never cease being front-runner.
After I finished watching the final episode of this season, I felt something unexplainable. I felt this strange sense of calm. Seeing Meredith out there, attempting to get her life back on track after her husband’s untimely death, helped me realize the idea 'Life Moves On.'
I had never imagined myself as a person who would admit that a show saved her life but Grey’s Anatomy did.
Meredith and Derek had me convinced about the idea of true love and forever and all those things and the first thought I had when he died was “Wow! True love definitely doesn’t exist!” and it broke me a little because after all the effort I had taken in making myself reach this destination of less realist and more romantic, this death move was a road in the opposite direction.
The next two episodes changed that. 

So the fear I had when I realised that the person I love, might leave me like that someday, was replaced with this feeling that I will survive it, nevertheless, I will deal with it because my favourite character, has seen worse.

I began watching this show, for the surgeons and before I knew it, in all my relationships, I could see traces of the show. While I had friends criticizing the show for being dramatic, sexual and even annoying I couldn’t care less, because what Grey’s means to me, no person, life coach, counselor can ever be.

“People can be broken, sure,” Meredith says. “But any surgeon knows, what’s broken can be mended.”

These lines brought tears to my eyes because this line summed up the journey that I ended up taking with this show. I learned how to take my time to heal when I was hurt, I realized how I had to put myself out there, ask someone to pick me and choose me, and stay strong even if I wasn’t. It made me realize that being a career woman is just not wrong (Here is looking at you, Dr.Yang). It made me embrace my twistedness. It made me accept my dark side, my sort of emotional-less side, my inability of feeling emotions when people in my family died, but crazy tears when my mother’s friend died. It made me realize that I don’t have to be good, happy, and perfect at all times. I can be less shiny and happy than my college friend and that makes me no less of a person.

On a very personal note, Grey’s has made me feel comfortable in my own skin. Every time I struggle with feeling insecure, disappointed, self-doubt and these terrible feelings of self-loathing, I watch an episode, and it makes me feel less alone. Less scared of the overpowering sense of depression.

Thank you, Grey’s, for bringing me back to life on my dead days.
The 40-second dance party is always nothing short of magic.

Am I allowed?

This May, an event occurred in my life that literally shattered my existence for a week. Up till now, I have been trying my very best to push that incident into crevices of my mind so that I could comfortably live in denial and let my thoughts swirl around anything else but that incident.

I had a dream.
Something very precious. Something that I held extremely close to my heart, something that had impregnated my soul in such a way that there was nothing else that I thought of, every waking hour that I spent in solitude.
It was an institution I wanted to join. The love for my dream transcended into obsession so rapidly that in merely a month's time the wall behind my bed rest, had a picture of this institution. Each morning when I woke up, it would be the first thing I saw and every day I felt I was closer to realising this dream.
Then reality made a grand and exquisite entry just like a villain does in a movie, only difference being my life was the movie here.
I was 400 persons behind the final cut-off for that institution.
It broke me.
This has been my first experience of rejection/defeat or whatever you choose to term it as.
I spent two odd days wallowing in self-pity and drowning in a pool of tears.
The feeling of having lost clouded my judgment and my sensibility. So much so that the fact that I got into the second best college in the city, seemed like an act of condescension by god.
It's been five whole months and though I pretend to, I still haven't gotten over. The place I wanted didn't come my way. Yes, I did gain on  a few good professors here which wouldn't have been there in the place I wanted,but the gnawing pain still refuses to go, refuses to see sense.

Coming back to now, there is another institution I want to go to in the future.
But I'm scared of thinking of it.
I'm scared of putting up the picture on my bedroom wall.
I'm scared of wanting to be in that institution.
I'm scared of imaging a life there.

I am scared of dreaming.
All I keep asking myself is that after what happened earlier this year, am I still allowed?
Am I still allowed to put up a picture? Not only on the bedroom wall but in my mind?
Am I allowed to dream?

Stories. Theories. And some more crap.

It's been a month almost since I last wrote. Maybe that is exactly the reason for the chaotic state I'm seeing myself in, right now.

*I*
(Yes only I feel I am in a chaotic state.)

Prior warning: This post is going to be extensive. I haven't written in really long.

1.I talked to a friend the other day, he casually mentioned how some *statistical number* of people tend to tell their problems to others just to, in a way, gain sympathy.
So it set me thinking (I realised one more thing, I think a lot!) over why do some people (ME! ME! ME!!) tell people about their life, why are some people so keen on being an open book.
Socializing is a different thing, you talk about ice-breaking topics first, gradually diverting to small talk.
Building walls around yourself is also another. It is just a futile attempt trying to 'stay alone' in a world overburdened with overpopulation anyway.
But what I've been doing is different, I guess it's just talking, I mean talking about things to feel that there is a purpose to your life. Talking about things that affect you, things that make you smile.
I think yes I'm thinking too much, talking is a passion & I am one overtly indulgent person. :P

2. It is going to be a year since I wrote my board examination & honestly I miss that studious side to me.
I used to wake up early to study Physics & almost fall asleep in the attempt. Last year, same time, 7am was early for me. This year at 7, I'm in a class in school, discussing homework maybe.
Time changes, moves so fast that before you realise, a year might have passed, maybe I won't be AS nostalgic next year.
BUT this has been a life altering year. :))

3. Are there really two spellings to realise?
Realize & Realise?

4. I've been reading a book- The Palace of Illusions.
It's a book on the Mahabharata from Draupadi's perspective.
And very honestly the book is making me feel that pain.
I mean the pain she went through, after her brother-in-law tried to dishonor her in front of such a huge gathering & how just everybody although pained didn't dare to raise a voice, didn't bother to protect the last shread of shame.How she wanted the war to happen because she wanted revenge for being publicly humiliated! I can feel that pain & anger for some damned reason.

And the one part that actually hurt me more or less was how complex her story with Karna was. What started as love, how it  veered onto become a sentiment layered with layers of anger, hatred, relinquished love, forgiveness and how returned to where it began, love.
And like the story basically says, you can't withhold your heart. You might be married to a certain man but your heart might be belonging to some other man itself, all you can do is manage your actions so that they don't give away.

It made me feel a new emotion. I smelt what revenge must have smelt like. I felt like I was tasting vengeance.
Basically the book has transported me to a place, where no book or movie has ever before.

A place where I'm living like the person who I can see all sides to.

*sigh*

Now ALL feels great!
Writing IS my drug, I guess! :D