But I'm still a child.

We all go through an array of emotions on seeing a 4 or 5 year old. More specifically keeping aside the "Aww" & "How cute" the predominant feeling is that of wanting to run back to your days as a child, savour each & every moment as it passed.
And that's why most of us believe in those cliched quotes which revolve around how we always wanted to grow up as kids & how as grownups we want to go back to our days of glory!

Coming to think of it, like everyone else, I wish I could too.
Run.
To those times when no matter how you dressed up no one would be excessively judgmental about it. Nor would you be over critical about people & their choices, their clothes, their dressing sense, their theories about life, their philosophies, their traits.

To those times when a guy you shared your crayons with was your friend.
Now even despite sharing a mother, there is animosity between brothers.

To those times when the one task which would leave me in a tizzy would be nothing but colouring inside the lines.
Not endless submissions in school coupled with expectations & pressures.

To those times when 'being cynical' were words which I would eventually learn to spell.

To those times when the only things I had to choose from where the clothes my doll would wear.

To those times when everything could somehow become a thing for your parents to deal with.

Ma

So maybe these thoughts just stem from extreme laziness & partial inadequacy in living life as I inch closer on a bridge to being a grown up. Yes, this point of view definetly comes from the fact that there's a part of me completely unprepared to face life as such. Unprepared to leave a mind which is still holding on to the last remains of innocence. Unprepared to live a life where nothing will shield me from disappointments. But someday I actually will be ready. I'll be armed. To become an individual. I'll be ready to grow up. :)

And Macbeth was an insecure man.

English lectures in my school never really fits the definition of a 'class in progression'.

The number of students actually focussing & paying attention virtually trickles down from the entire strength of a class of 30 something to barely even a fourth of that number.

But today something was different.
Today, even admist all that noise & absolute disarray in class, one sentence somehow caught my attention. That ONE sentence entered the crevices of my mind & refused to leave my thinking capacity till I actually realized it's depth.

"And Macbeth was an insecure man."

As I walked down the cobbled path leading away from my Math class, the emotion which the sentence pertained to gradually began to seep in.

That emotion hit me in my face, slapped me so hard that I wanted to sit somewhere and start crying.

Yes I am insecure. And so was Macbeth.

I don't exactly want to tell people that I am this insecure person as insane as that protagonist of that tragedy, but I can sympathize with him. I can feel that insecurity which comes with attainment of something you have been wanting for long.

Yes I have  wanted someone for really long. And yes I get insecure about that person, too fast, too soon.
It is a part of my personality now, can I really even change that?
Can I stop being insecure?

I don't really think I can.

Now immature as this definitely sounds I don't even want to change it. I don't want to give up on this fear. It keeps me attached.

And well that sense of security might be far from becoming a reality but do I really want it?

My Mom thinks that there's a certain greatness which lies in accepting the flaws in your personality.
So there is some greatness that I've achieved by admitting that I'm insecure..:P

So for now I won't change a thing, I'll just go on reveling in this new-found 'greatness'..:)

Hope and Change and Love

"If it's gonna be a rainy day
There's nothing we can do to make it change
We can pray for sunny weather
But that won't stop the rain."

-Please Don't Stop The Rain
(James Morrison)

This was one song which I chose to skip, everytime it played on my iPod. But today, half exhausted & in a condition that made my eyes look as hollow as that of a zombie, I didn't really feel energetic enough to reach out to my iPod & change the song. So I let it play.

So I feel like I welcomed change!
Change is a positive thing. We all agree to that! We all say that, does anyone even believe in that?

This 'change' was like a car, it dropped me off for my date with 'hope'.

Yes I'm philosophical right now.

Why?
Well I just had a good day. :P

I mean really I know it's not a personal diary but after so long, I felt love around me, wonderful sweet love around me!
(No reference to making love. :l)

It is such a beautiful feeling! :')

So maybe that's what makes up our life.
(Deliberate error cause it sounds 'cool' :P)

Hope and Change and Love.

Why do I feel that urge to write?

Life as my 16 year old soul (how old :')) knows it isn't actually simple. It is more of funny!
I mean yeah it is funny.
And no I don't look at it from rose-tinted glasses.

Those special low-downs of life which actually make me say "FML." are those moments that motivate me to write. Specifically the ones which involve situations related to people. People who matter.

Like considering this post for instance, my best-friend (new-found) is a part of band (yeah the ones who actually play!). The band was part of  a certain competition & they were to perform today at a close-by mall.
I really had all plans of going, owing to the love I have for my best-friend and the love I have for drummers.
But then I realised that given how late the event would finish, it made more sense in not going.
Momentary, impulsive decisions can suck. Big time.
No they actually can sometimes.

So I decided that I won't go rather I will stay at home & finish of my pending work, well what did I do at home then?
Nothing apart from cribbing over why I should have genuinely gone, thinking about all those wonderful drummers I'm missing out on, thinking about how my best-friend would be "singing"!
Yeah I am pretty much masochistic.

And well to agonize me further, I come to know that they came third & landed up a gig at some place.
Now in an ordinary situation I should have been happy for them. But I was more on the lines of confused.
Why in the first place was I getting so upset?
Maybe because we all get that feeling at some point, don't we?
Of being left out.
I felt awful, all day long. Even the girl dating the person playing the keyboard for the band did not feel as bad on not getting to go!

I'm just sensitive to the wrong things maybe!

But reverting back to what I started from, yes so I just wrote about what happened & quite honestly I felt like a boulder was just pushed off my measly little body.
I feel great. Like I have talked to a room full of people about my situation & as if at the moment they are shooting sympathetic & caring glances. As if they are telling me their own stories about how they have felt the same way at some point of time.
As if their experiences about being left out have been worse.

Now I sound like a schizophrenic with a sadist temperament.
Shit!